i made a very silly decision last night..
i know making this decision will hurt myself to the max but i still chose this path..
pls tell me that my decision would be a right one eventually..
that my efforts will pay off..

i know very well what the consequences could be.
that maybe in the end.
if i fail,
i might totally lose myself to become soulless.
yet i dun wanna give up and want to give it a last try.
cux i have the very strong faith that you would be touched one day.

or perhaps u can say that im pure bu yao lian.

after sunday i felt so happy
that the distance between us had been pulled a little closer.
yes. by a little but im reali contented and happy.
so happy im thanking god so much.
it's like. that little bit of improvement had gave me the total determination to hang on again.

but i realised.
after that day u are kind of back to a little colder again?
or isit just that u r busy...?
i duno.
but it's hurting.
nvm i guess i shldnt think too much.
maybe you are just busy...

maybe..

i've been playing the song qing tian the whole day today.
after that day during the k-session u said
"hey i've always been wanting to learn this on the guitar!"
i was so totally shocked.
bcux the song qing tian
is the reason why i wanted to learn to play the guitar in the first place.
bcux i wanted to play qing tian on the guitar.
see how fate can be such a joker.
and after ward u said
i've been searching frantically online on how to play qing tian.
i played qing tian over and over again today
just to try to play it right.
bcux i want to learn how to play it right.
and perhaps someday..
someday..
have the chance to play it for you.

today had been totally emo-ish.
especially after ward happened last night and ward shushu had told me.
but playing qing tian
makes me feel closer to you
and makes me slightly better.
so i played it over.. and over again..
until now i could actually sing n play the introduction part.
thanks ar. suddenly it's like my guitar skills improved so much bcux of a whole day of practice.
haha.

and i keep feeling very pekcek
that im leaving singapore soon and couldnt attend your commission ceremony and commissioning ball.
i keep feeling like stabbing myself when im constantly thinking that i've missed it i've missed it i've missed it.
althou u never directly asked but
there might be a tweeny weeny chance that u might ask if not for me not in singapore.
it's like
i waited so long for this opportunity and now i lost it just becux im not in singapore.
who knows when i will ever have a chance again?
i keep having to urge to tell my parents that
"hey mummy i dun wanna go hk with u all alrdy im staying here in singapore ok"
but i know how they'll react if i ever did.
and i keep having the urge to plead with my mummy to let me out on saturday night to at least attend the ceremony but i know the eventual answer would still be a no-no.
i feel so helpless and at loss can.
i have totally no control over what is happening.
huimin is right.
this is really a 孽缘
why must heaven and fate make fun of me again and again?

i cannot remember
when it was when i started to whisper a silent prayer before i sleep every night
praying u a good night, sweet dreams.

and secretly saying to you every night before i sleep
that i really miss you.

pls tell me i made the right decision.
i hope i did.

althou i would never know if i did
until i hear it personally from you.